Since I’ve already spent two days griping about how badly Jesus Christ is portrayed in the New Testament, I thought I’d spend a little time before the month is over talking about some of the other weird things I’ve noticed about the Bible.
Most Christians I talk to either admit that they’ve never read the Bible at all or say that they’ve read “some” of it. My guess is that few people outside of the clergy and religious academia have ever bothered to read the whole thing. And, after spending a good chunk of each day this month reading it as thoroughly as possible, I can’t say I blame them.
I know that part of the problem is the fact that I’m an editor. No matter how you slice it, the Bible just isn’t compelling literature. Sure, it’s fabulous as holy scripture (I guess). But it’s certainly not a page-turner. If the Bible had to rely on the quality of the writing instead of the average Christian’s compulsion to own a copy, just because they think they should, it would never sell a single volume. It’s that badly written.
For one thing, the Bible is so redundant, it’s mind-numbing. There are whole books that basically just repeat what earlier books said. Okay, I know we should expect a bit of repetition, especially in the New Testament, where we get four people’s versions of the same events (the four Gospels). But the Old Testament has no excuse.
It’s kind of like when you’re watching reality TV—before the commercial break, they give you a “preview” of what’s coming up next. Then, when the show resumes, you see exactly what was in the preview (and most of the time, very little more). Then, there’s another commercial, and when you get back to the program, they show you highlights from what you just saw.
Now, this might be an effective method for teaching multiplication to third graders, but it’s pretty tiring for adults. And it’s exactly how a lot of the Bible seems to be set up. Trust me—it can make you want to pluck your eyes out.
Then, there are the bizarre omissions. According to the Book of Genesis, God creates one man (Adam) and one woman (Eve). They have two sons: Cain and Abel. We probably all know the story of how Cain kills Abel, so I won’t bore you with that here, but we never hear about any other people up until that point. Then, out of nowhere, Genesis 4:17 says, “Cain had relations with his wife. . . .”
Okay . . . where did she come from? We don’t find out that Adam and Eve started having any additional kids until Genesis 5:3, so who is this woman Cain’s sleeping with? My friend Jen says that the story of Adam and Eve is only detailing the origins of the “Chosen People,” not everybody, so Cain’s mysterious woman could be from somewhere else.
That’s fine with me. It makes perfect sense. But the Bible needs to explain that. It’s just bad editing. If I ever allowed that important a detail to be left out of a book that I was being paid to edit, I would lose my job.
Then, there are all the odd rules that the Bible lays out—especially in the Old Testament. Let’s just look at a sampling:
Exodus 22:16: “If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged, and lies with her, he must pay a dowry for her to be his wife.”
I’m sure men all over the United States would freak out if they read this. God is basically saying that if you want to have sex with a virgin, you not only have to marry her afterward but you have to pay for the privilege of doing so. Oh, the horror!
Exodus 22:26–27: “If you ever take your neighbor’s cloak as a pledge, you are to return it to him before the sun sets, for that is his only covering; it is his cloak for his body. What else shall he sleep in?”
This one just makes me laugh. Is the neighbor who gives you the cloak going around naked all day, but it only starts to bother him at sundown? And if he’s comfortable with the idea of being naked all day long, what’s wrong with being naked at night?
Leviticus 19:28: “You shall not make any cuts in your body . . . nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.”
Well, I guess I’m going straight to hell. I’ve got a ladybug tattoo on my ankle (and two other tattoos that are a little bit better hidden). It’s really not clear at all how getting a tattoo in any way diminishes God’s power. The whole section is supposed to be about forbidding idolatry, which is all well and good. But I assure you—the fact that I have a ladybug tattoo does not mean that I worship ladybugs. God is under no threat whatsoever.
But then, God seems to be awfully particular about what he likes and doesn’t like. He’s especially detailed when he talks about how he wants things to be built—like altars and arks.
God rambles on for several chapters in Exodus, telling Moses exactly (and I mean with so much exact detail that I suspect God suffers from a touch of OCD) how to build the Ark of the Covenant, what the curtains in the tabernacle should look like (yes, God is apparently interested in interior design), and what priests should wear. It’s almost painful to read, so I’ll just give you a couple of verses to give you a taste:
They shall construct an ark of acacia wood two and a half cubits long [cubits are very popular in the Bible—a cubit is about 18 inches, or 45.72 centimeters for those who use the metric system], and one and a half cubits wide, and one and a half cubits high.
You shall overlay it with pure gold, inside and out you shall overlay it, and you shall make a gold molding around it. . . .
Make one cherub at one end and one cherub at the other end; you shall make the cherubim of one piece with the mercy seat at its two ends. (Exodus 25:10-11, 19)
Moreover you shall make the tabernacle with ten curtains of fine twisted linen and blue and purple and scarlet material; you shall make them with cherubim, the work of a skillful workman. . . . (Exodus 26:1)
Then you shall make curtains of goats’ hair for a tent over the tabernacle; you shall make eleven curtains in all. (Exodus 26:7)
Is it me, or is this way too much detail for God to be getting into? Doesn’t he have better things to do than worry about what color the curtains should be and whether they’re made out of regular or twisted linen? Seriously.
And the thing about all the detail is, you’d better get it just right, because God gets pretty pissed off. He’s smiting people down left and right, destroying cities (and even the whole world, according to the whole Noah story), and threatening to destroy civilization pretty frequently (although he often seems to back down in the end).
Overall, he just doesn’t seem to be a very friendly guy—but I get that. Human beings do tend to be a pretty nasty bunch, so you can’t necessarily blame God for having the urge to wipe us out now and then. I guess we should be grateful he doesn’t kill us all off more often.
I’m getting close to the end of the Bible—only around 100 pages left to go. I just hope this last section turns out to be a little more interesting than what came before it. To say it’s been a rough month so far would be a massive understatement.
For now, I’ve got to get back to reading.
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