I don’t know about you, but the picture I have in my mind of heaven—the place Christians hope to go after they die—comes from watching too much bad TV and a lot of lousy movies.
To me, heaven is a vast expanse of puffy white clouds that you can walk on without sinking, guarded by a set of “pearly gates.” Somewhere among the clouds, the old man (God the Father) sits on a throne and strokes his long beard, peering down through the clouds to see what’s going on among the living people on Earth.
Despite the fact that billions of people have died over the years, there are only a handful of people wandering around heaven. And the ones I picture there look a little too happy to be doing nothing all the time—kind of like they’re stoned.
Jesus is there, too—but he spends most of his time loitering around the pearly gates, gossiping with his buddy St. Peter, like they’re a couple of teenage boys with skateboards hanging around outside the 7-Eleven.
Because this is my mental image of heaven, I find it kind of shocking that anybody actually wants to go there. It seems really boring. But hey, I’m not judging. If wandering around in clouds with a goofy grin on your face sounds like fun to you, go for it.
Of course, heaven probably means something different to everyone. Heaven is really just a reward in the afterlife for those who lived good lives on Earth and accepted redemption through Jesus Christ. Believing in Jesus as the Savior is pretty much a prerequisite for making it to heaven, according to Christian thought. However, the Second Vatican Council of the Roman Catholic Church did say that it’s possible for some non-Christians to get to heaven, writing: “Those who, through no fault of their own, do not know the Gospel of Christ or his Church, but who nevertheless seek God with a sincere heart . . . those too may achieve eternal salvation.” So, basically, you can get in if nobody ever told you about Jesus, but if you know about him and don’t believe he’s the Savior, you’re kind of screwed.
Christians don’t all agree on what or where heaven is. Some, like many Fundamentalists, believe it’s a physical location (maybe something like my cloud-heaven image) where good people go after they die. Others say it’s an abstract concept—an indescribable repository for souls where good people finally get close to God. Pope John Paul II said that heaven is “neither an abstraction nor a physical place in the clouds, but a living, personal relationship” with God.
Someone once suggested to me that heaven is whatever your last thought is before you die. That sounds great if you tend to think about vacations on white sandy beaches in tropical paradises. With my luck, though, I’d probably think about shoveling snow or balancing my checkbook. And that wouldn’t be heaven at all. It would be hell.
I’ve got a picture of hell in my mind, too—once again, gleaned from cartoons and movies and maybe a little bit of Dante’s Inferno. To me, hell is a cave with lots of fire and twisty pillars and crags of rock, and there are people chained to the stone walls, moaning. I hate to say it, but as unpleasant as that image is, it’s at least a bit more interesting than my notion of “cloud-heaven.”
But Christianity doesn’t necessarily view hell as a physical place any more than heaven—it’s just an abstract form of terrible and eternal punishment for people who, as Pope John Paul II put it, “freely and definitively separate themselves from God.” I don’t know—I think it’s all a little vague, and I prefer crisp, clear images (as evidenced by my own pathetic notions of heaven and hell).
I think my biggest issue with heaven and hell in general is the fact that there doesn’t seem to be any “stuff” there—either in my own personal version or in anything I’ve read about the Christian afterlife.
The Bible talks about heaven, saying, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” (Matthew 6:19–20)
Somehow, I don’t think the “treasures in heaven” the Bible is talking about are the same kind of “treasures” I like best—things like books and clothes and funny knickknacks. I know I’m an awful materialist, but I like my stuff. I like having things around me—especially books. They make me feel secure. They keep me from getting bored. They let me be alone when other people start to get irritating, but they provide conversation starters when I want some companionship.
To me, stuff is heaven. I just hope, if I ever get there, that “cloud-heaven” has a well-stocked library.
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