Month 3, Day 29: Failure

I haven’t posted in a while because I really wanted to wait and see how my spell turned out before I gave you the update. I didn’t want to jinx it if it was going well, but now I know it’s not worth the effort. I’m a jinx by definition.

I was a little ambivalent about the whole idea of magic, but I was willing to give it a try. I’ve really loved being pagan, and I wanted to love every aspect of it, even if magic did seem to be a little nutty. Everybody has something they’d like to change in their lives, and I’m no exception. Actually, I’d like to change pretty much everything about my life. But I picked one specific thing—a “little” thing. Or so I thought.

Okay, here it is. The backstory is that I quit smoking six years ago. And then I started again almost two years ago. It was stupid, and I knew it, and I didn’t want to keep smoking forever, so I decided to quit again. Well, actually, I tried quitting several times, and it never quite worked out. As I’ve said before, I’m not great with the willpower and focus.

But this past July, I was finally doing well. I gave up cigarettes, using nicotine lozenges instead. But, because I’m apparently weak and pathetic in every way, I immediately became addicted to the lozenges. Truth be told, I liked the lozenges even better than smoking—same rush of nicotine, no lingering cloud of smoke. Win-win.

But there’s a downside to everything. The lozenges cost around $42 a week, and in my present financial circumstances, that’s a lot to spend on something that isn’t essential for survival. At least, I thought the lozenges weren’t essential for survival. I may have been wrong there.

When I learned that magic was supposed to be helpful in overcoming a bad habit, I was thrilled. If the spell worked, I could be free from the damn nicotine once and for all, and also have a bonus $42 in my pocket every week. Again, win-win.

So I did the spell. And I thought I did it well. I did it during the waning phase of the moon—all the better to banish something you no longer want in your life. I concentrated hard—which, for me, is no small task. I even waited until I thought I felt something when I invited the elements and the God and Goddess to be with me at the ritual.

But I guess all I felt was gas. Or maybe a craving for nicotine. It’s abundantly clear now that I was doing the spell completely alone. And it’s also clear that it did not work.

Within 12 hours after I had my last dose of nicotine, I was in bad shape and getting worse. I had all the classic symptoms of withdrawal—irritability, headache, dizziness, and even hallucinations. The bed was breathing, no kidding around.

I tried everything to make it all go away. I tried taking deep breaths. I tried meditation. I even tried begging Ganesha, who was supposed to be “removing an obstacle” for me, to help out. Nothing worked. It all just made me even crazier.

So, because I like having a boyfriend and pets that are alive, and I didn’t want to end up slicing anybody’s throat in a fit of rage, today I’m back on nicotine, sucking on a lozenge even as I write this.

I don’t know. I’m losing faith in this project—and in myself. If I can’t stop taking these stupid lozenges, how can I possibly attempt to make real changes in my life? How can I even think I’ll be able to finish this stupid year of religion in one piece? Let’s face it. I don’t have enough faith or vision or whatever I’m supposed to have to do any of this.

I guess sometimes magic just ain’t enough.