The past couple of days have been so crappy that I’ve been contemplating giving up on this whole project. Nothing seems to be working out the way I hoped it would. I was all gung ho about the new month, and paganism seemed like fun, but I’m only a week in, and already, it’s not so much fun.
With paganism, you get to pick which aspects of the God and Goddess you want to work with, just like I got to pick the deities for my Hindu shrine back in November. I thought about going with Ganesha and Kali again, but since I have all the pantheons in all the world to choose from, I thought it would be a good idea to consider other options.
I’ve read plenty of mythology from lots of different cultures over the years, but enjoying a story about a particular god or goddess doesn’t necessarily translate into a productive religious experience. So how are you supposed to choose?
One book I read suggested asking the gods themselves for guidance—basically praying on it and waiting for a sign. So I did. I prayed. I meditated. And I waited. And I got nothing—which is pretty typical for my life.
And then I realized that the problem is with me. Deep down (and on the surface, too, for that matter), I don’t know if I really believe in any of this.
I had trouble with Christianity, both growing up and last month, because no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I can believe that Jesus Christ is God. I’m starting to think that I don’t believe there is a God at all. And that realization puts this whole project—among other aspects of my life—in crisis.
So far this month, I’ve been trying really hard to do all the things that make somebody a good pagan. But I’m realizing more and more every day that all the rituals and prayers only mean something if you believe they do. And I don’t think I believe it.
How do you have faith when everything you’ve ever experienced tells you that believing in something—whether it’s God or other people—only makes you suffer in the end? I’ve spent my whole life trying to have faith in people, only to find out that no one ever has any faith in me. So why would God or the Goddess or whatever you want to call the “Great Divine” be any different?
I’ve been doing these pagan rituals, where you’re supposed to invite the God and Goddess and the spirits of the four quarters (the four directions and their associated elements) to join you. All the books say that the ritual only works if, after inviting the deities or spirits, you wait to proceed until you genuinely “feel” their presence.
That’s all well and good, but I never feel anything. I never have—not as a pagan, not as a Hindu, and not through 18-plus years as a Christian. I’ve never had any sense of God being with me, just like I’ve never had any sense that a human being has really been there for me. I feel now the way I always have—like I’m completely alone in this world.
Maybe I’m just having a bad day, but I think this whole experiment is based on the idea that I have the ability to believe in things I can’t see or hear or experience directly. And I don’t think I do. I don’t think I have the kind of faith that the billions of people who believe in one religion or another around the world have. No matter how hard I try, all I’ll ever be doing is faking it.
I could sit outside on a beautiful day for hours and never feel any of the things other people say they feel. I don’t think I will ever see nature as divine or as a gift or as something spiritual. All I feel when I go outside is how it’s either too hot or too cold, how the wind blows my hair into my eyes and irritates me, how the sounds of birds or rustling leaves or whatever else is around grate on my spine. I’ve never experienced a pleasant moment in nature. Come to think of it, I’ve hardly ever experienced a pleasant moment anywhere.
So maybe I’m the wrong person for this project. Maybe this whole thing requires someone who’s open enough to suspend disbelief and really feel what the various religions want their followers to feel. Me? I don’t feel anything, except disappointment in myself, in God (if there is one), in everything.
I may need a nap. I’m so far beyond my usual grumpiness, it’s scary. Maybe I’ll lie down for a while and magically get the sign I need to pick my patron deities and have a reason to keep going. Or maybe I’ll get nothing, as usual, and then I’ll seriously have to consider giving up on all of this. I guess we’ll see.
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