Confucianism revolves around ritual and propriety in all things. According to Confucius, the way to perfect yourself is to follow the rules. So what exactly are the rules?
To make it simple to know how to behave toward other people in everyday life, Confucius laid out five possible ways that people in different positions in society can interact. He called them the Five Relationships. They are:
1. Parent and child
2. Ruler and government minister
3. Husband and wife
4. Older sibling and younger sibling
5. Friend and friend
As authors Brandon Toropov and Father Luke Buckles explain in The Complete Idiot’s Guide to World Religions, “These binding relationships are, within Confucian thought, founded upon and made possible by a compassionate, humane approach that incorporates a profound love. This broad principle requires only a single word for expression in Chinese: jen.”
So, being in any of the Five Relationships is supposed to be based on mutual respect, compassion, and love. But there’s more to it than just a big old love fest. The Five Relationships carry moral responsibilities for the people involved.
Of the Five Relationships, all but the one between friends are hierarchical—one member of the relationship holds some degree of power over the other. At least, that’s how it was in traditional Chinese society, when Confucius came up with the idea. I’d have to argue that not too many husbands in modern American society are still viewed as the “ruler” of the marriage. In fact, most marriages I know about are firmly directed by the wife, not the husband.
The point is, in all Five Relationships, each person has duties to the other, based on the differences in their status and level of power.
The child’s duty is to serve the parents, while the parents are responsible for taking care of the child. The government minister serves the ruler, while the ruler cares for the minister.
The wife is supposed to serve the husband, while he provides for her (funny—when I was married, I had to do both the serving and the providing, so I guess my ex missed out on Confucianism).
Even between siblings, there is uneven power. The younger sibling owes the older one respect and deference, while the older one is expected to help and care for the younger sibling.
Only between friends is the relationship on equal footing, but even then, friends are supposed to treat each other with never-ending respect and loyalty.
Overall, it’s a tough job and a lot of work to be a good Confucian in society. Personally, the idea of being forced to offer respect and obedience to someone just because they’re older or because they have a cushier job than I do really rubs me the wrong way.
But Confucius has one other thing to say about the Five Relationships. Even if you’re the one in the higher position of power, you don’t just deserve respect because of your position.
As religious scholar Huston Smith writes, “[A]uthority—due authority—is not automatic; it must be earned. The loyalty that is due the husband from the wife is contingent on the husband’s being the kind of husband who warrants—instinctively inspires—such loyalty.”
Okay, I guess I can get on board with that idea. Too bad most people in this world are not the kind of people who “instinctively inspire” loyalty.
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